Today I wanted to write about some on my adventures on happy days. But life happens and unexpected things as well. So today is not about happy memories, or travel or adventures, it is about the present.
I am back home for some time and even though adjusting took a while and it’s an ongoing process, I don’t see myself staying here for ever. I am a free bird who doesn’t like to be caged. So, being back home brings back some good and some not so good memories. But I was happy to have one of my childhood friends nearby who always seemed to be in a good mood and was always making my days better. He was beside me through some of my most difficult times and made sure I was OK and still laughing. There are people who are born like this, to make everyone’s day better just by being there. But this changed a few days ago and I still cannot process everything.
Death doesn’t ask! It never cares. It doesn’t ask if a person is too good, too young or too loved to be taken away. Maybe there’s a lesson to be learned out of this. Maybe we should learn to laugh more, love like crazy and live every day like it’s our last one. But do we? Do we ever do that? In theory we know we should, but how many of us do it? Not many, I’m sure.
And still life warns us with everything happening around. We receive the warnings, but wave them away. We never learn, yet think we are wise.
My childhood friend died three nights ago and really I don’t know what to say. I still cannot believe it. Seems unreal and I am still in denial mode. I was woken up with the shocking news. And you know what happened next? I went inwards. When I can’t deal with something, I am not facing it, I’m hiding. I could not go and see his family, present my regrets, I could not go to his funeral. Instead I stayed home and cried. Cried for him, for the loss and for my inability to face it. I cried for all the times he made me laugh in difficult situations, for all our childhood memories and all the good times we had together. I cried until there were no more tears left. And then I got angry with myself for being such a coward and not dealing with life’s facts. For not facing the reality. For not being able to go to his wake or his funeral. For only being able to put my pain on paper. Maybe we all deal with pain and loss differently. Maybe that is my way of dealing with life, I need my time alone to grieve, to accept, to move on.
I will miss you dearly my friend, I will miss your jokes and the way you were making my day better just by saying a few words. You will be missed and because your were always making everyone laugh in tense or difficult situations, part of me didn’t want to say goodbye crying my eyes out. I’d rather believe you left in a far away exotic country and having the time of your life. Hope you’ll make other souls laugh and spread the joy on the other realms. It’s a beautiful sunny day today, just like your soul! May your soul be free and happy wherever it will go. Farewell!