Diary through anxiety

Isn’t “used to” such a complex, depressing structure?

I used to smile… I used to have fun… I used to be happy…

But now I’m not any of those. Now… I struggle. And the more I struggle, the more I realize “used to” is an awful structure that seems to be stuck with me like a chewing gum on the soles of my new shoes.

And it’s not only that, it’s also the lack of joy I try to comprehend. I used to be the soul of the party… Or was that a simple mask I wore, in order to hide my true self?

One thing is for sure though. The more I spend my time trying to get to the bottom of my depression and anxieties, the more confused I become.

It’s like wandering aimlessly through an empty, dark hall, with no exit and no sourse of ligh. Darkness sorrounds you until you also become it.

And there are so many reasons to be happy with life, so many. But they seem to play like an old film strip before my eyes and I am incapable of reaching them, of touching them… Of feeling them.

An empty carcass, void from happiness.

Day 27: What’s in my closet?

A big mess, that’s what in my closet. That comes to show some things may never change.

Psychochromatic Redemption

Just finished a quick tidy up in my closet, before getting ready to go out. I wouldn’t have done it, but couldn’t find my mascara nor my kohl pencil. So I had to search everywhere. The toughest part was my closet, because, man, that place is like a labyrinth. You or your hand can easily get lost between objects, bags and clothes. A big mystery box, that’s what it is. The problem is that it’s too small for all my things. I won’t name now all the things that reside in my closet, because it will take all night, but must say that I have shelves with all sorts of clothes, depending on my mood, shelves with bags, shelves with all unnecessary things I never wear or use. Even found a rock-star wig and sunglasses (I used them for carnival, don’t get the wrong ideas) That gets me thinking I spend…

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Day 26: Hidden talent

Dear Secret Talent,

Thank you for showing up and revealing yourself. It took you some time, but it’s all for the best as I think you came at the right time.
Thank you for not staying secret for longer. Funny enough you showed up when I decided I needed a camera to take my own photos for the blog post. And that’s how photography came into my life and fell in love irrevocably.

P.S. If anyone’s still looking for their talent, don’t give up. It will come to you sooner or later, you just have to open your heart and be prepared.

Psychochromatic Redemption

“1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10. Ready or not, here I come!”

“Secret talent, where are you? Show yourself, pleasee…”

After 25 years…

“Secret talent, I’m getting tired of looking for you. This hide and seek game is not fun anymore. Maybe you are laughing in a corner and enjoying your time, but I had enough. I quit. You can show yourself up or stay hidden forever. My time with you is done so I’ll get back to my ordinary life.”

Of course he didn’t show up, but I’m secretly still waiting. After all, it’s been only 25 years. As a piece of advice: don’t play hide ‘n seek with your hidden talent. He knows how to hide and you’ll more likely lose.

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Day 24: “What attracts you (in love)”?

Psychochromatic Redemption

The Beatles once said that “all you need is love” and they were right. Love is the most beautiful and powerful feeling in the world. Everything can be solved by it, but first you have to acknowledge it.

There are no certain patterns I fall for and there shouldn’t be. Real love comes from the soul and your soul can’t be bothered by physical appearance. It’s all about the energy a person sends that can make you say “yea” or “nay”. The way that person behaves, the way they make you laugh and forget about all your problems, the way they take care of you when you most need it, those are traits I was always looking for. And because I found them, I wrote a poem, few months ago, that sums everything up.You can read it here.

Hope you all find love into your hearts and try to…

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Day 23: If I won the lottery…

In the last five years, since I did this challenge I bought a lottery ticket once or twice. So the argument still stands solid even today.

Psychochromatic Redemption

If I was ever to win the big prize at lottery I would throw an extravagant wedding party on my holiday house near Barcelona. Of course no one would ever know I won the lottery, they would assume I worked very hard to afford that kind of lifestyle. Goes without saying I would take care of every guest’s flight and accommodation expenses. For the honeymoon we’d go to Machu Picchu, Easter Island and Great Wall of China, in no particular order. When we’d decide to come back, I’d found a children’s house where abandoned kids would feel welcomed and loved, where they would be encouraged to follow their dreams, no matter what and where they would be taught how to live happily in a world that doesn’t stop whining. By this point, people would probably realize my income could not afford all these and would start to suspect I won…

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Day 22: My worst habit(s)

Now I can proudly say, I gave up on the habit of chewing gum and I consume sugar in lower quantities. Also, it’s been more than a year now, I gave up on coffee.

So that’s that about bad habits. I hope to create new good ones instead.

Writing about habits again, gives me headache. Due to my unsettling personality I haven’t got many habits, good or bad whatsoever. Even had to do a research online to see which are the worst habits out there. There are quite a few I used to have, but at this moment in my life, I gave […]

Day 22: My worst habit(s)

Day 21: What makes me sad

Everything is still the same, but I would add to the list: Hunger, racism, genocide, poverty and ignorance, to name a few.

Psychochromatic Redemption

In the previous post I said that I look at life through pink lenses, because if I don’t I’d cry every day. You see, being an empath is not easy. You get all emotional about all the things that happen around you even though they don’t affect you directly. I’ve tried to live differently, to not care, but I failed. And that was the moment when I chose simple things to brighten up my day. Because when all you feel is sadness, you need distractions, you need small moments of happiness, a reason to move on, to dream for a better day.

Being an empath has many downsides. Whenever in crowded places, I feel restless and anxious. If someone approaches me and his/her thoughts are quite negative I feel sad. Watching news on Tv or reading the newspaper makes me sad and anxious. I can’t cope with these feelings. Even…

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Day 20: What makes me happy

Because I couldn’t have said it any better than that!

Psychochromatic Redemption

Happiness is the best feeling in the world. Even if it doesn’t last long, those are the most beautiful moments in your life and thanks God, I have plenty of those. Not because my life is just rainbows, unicorns and butterflies, but because I chose to see life through pink lenses (this being the true color of my lenses). There were so many grey things around that pink was my best option.

And now, let’s see what makes me happy? All the little things that would easily go unnoticed, like the little clouds on the blue summer sky, the ones that you always try to guess what they look like, the first rain drops after a long hot summer, the beautiful sunsets that always leave me speechless, my lovers eyes, my father’s voice, happy people, good music, birds singing in the trees and wind whistling through autumn leaves. I am…

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Day 19: My favourite movies

I so rarely find a movie I really like. I still stand strong with the list I made in 2015, but since then I have watched to many movies. The only one that stuck with me are:

Inside Out

This is a movie I recommend to everyone your or old as it is quite educative… and funny. It’s the kind of movie you want to rewatch every year.


Such a great movie that teaches you to follow you passions and never give up on your dreams. It’s also about taking chances and what is the meaning of saving a soul.

Also, special mention to:

Paintings and sculptures…and poetry

It has been a long time since I read a poetry book. I seem to enjoy poetry from time to time, but more than reading it, I like writing it.

But when I came across Paintings and Sculptures by Chris Wind, I was hooked. You know that feeling, when you read the first page and you know you are going to like that book? That happened when I read the first poem.

Each poem is describing in a witty, clever manner a famous painting or sclupture. I loved Mona and I could picture the scene, it might have happened that way, we’ll never know. Also The Last Supper was brilliantly clever. But my favourite one was Lady of Justice – such a fine poem with a subliminal message.

You have to bring your fine senses when you go into reading Paintings and Sculptures. Otherwise you will not understand all the subtilities hidden between the clever verses.

This is for sure a book I will reread every couple of months.

Recommend 5/5⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐