“Cannot help but wonder if was free to arrange own fat according to choice would I still wish to reduce the amount?”- The Diary of Bridget Jones, by Helen Fielding
I was reflecting on this for the past 10 minutes as I’m too tired to do anything else. The gym exhausts me, but what exhausts me the most is the magical diet, the lack of sweets and the cravings. Oh God, I must have been an addict and not realising it all these years.
Our weight: the thing that gives us headaches from puberty till the day we die. I practically have a huge migraine by now concerning the subject. It was always somebody else’s fault (mum, grandma’). It’s like they were putting food into my mouth. But it is always easier to blame than accepting your mistakes. It’s like hiding behind a big wall that says “It’s not my fault I’m fat. Blame the society for manipulating me into buying all those chocolates and fast-foods.” Well, truth to be told, that wall is not entirely wrong, but I’m not debating it here and now.
The moment I realized I couldn’t carry my kilos much longer was in high school. My best friend and I decided to start a losing weight boot camp: going to the gym and eating less than 1000 calories a day (at one point ended up eating less than 200, but that’s how you get when you lose control). That was the moment my lifetime agony and battle with my kilos have started. Lost and gained them for so many times I lost track, like in a never ending story. Diet after diet, from cabbage soup to Dukan, tried them all and was lucky to have moral support in my friends who were on the same page. Even when we weren’t dieting we were doing it in our minds. Along the process, we were constantly forgetting that alcohol and sleepless nights never help, but we were having our own religion and diet was our guru.
Truth to be told, I’m not obsessing about my weight anymore, as I’m an older and wiser (?) self now. I don’t do strict diets, not because I don’t want to, but because I can’t. It’s too tiring and don’t want to get old too soon. But still, I can’t eat whatever I want, because in no time I’ll be like a Sumo fighter. So no chocolate, no sweets, no pastries, no muffins, at least not every day. If you come to think about it, this life of healthy eating it’s very dull: no artificial color, no additives, no sugar, no fun, just plain veggies and lean meat. I couldn’t do it on a normal basis. I have to cheat big (lots of sugar and calories), to start it all over the next Monday :). Lucky you, if you’re not going through this mayhem.
Analyzing it all, in the end it comes to this: being a woman is stressful (it’s usually us who stress about these things). Either you make peace with yourself, embrace the way you look and learn to love your curves OR enroll into a long-time battle with self. If it’s not too late for you and you can still chose, go please with the first option. It’s the safest and healthiest. As for me, I will still wake up tomorrow morning and do the same thing I do for the past 20 years: weight myself.
By the way, how do you deal with all these? I’m really curious, maybe I’ll learn something new.
*It’s magical because one day it’s there, the next day it’s gone, disappearing like a rabbit in a hat (can’t fight the urge for sugar for too long).